Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.

He’s got a huge penis. When I lived at home, Alfie’s room was opposite the main bathroom, and I would often be in the bath in the morning and it never had a lock on the door and Alfie would get up with his morning boner and come in for a wee while I was in the bath and I’d just be like: ’That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen!’ I’d be like ’ALFIE! Stop it!’ He’d even poo in front of me a couple of times, it’s disgusting. He’s got no respect, that Alfie. I’d never poo in front of my brother, never! Wee, yes definitely.” - Lily Allen

When I was a child, I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of this stuff - Calpol? Calpol is like this children’s medicine that tastes really, really good. Got a lot of sugar in it and helps with your stomach bugs and stuff. My mom came home one day and the bottle was empty. I didn’t have the power of speech yet so I couldn’t talk - and Lily did. She just pointed at me and went, “Him! That’s why the bottle is empty.” So, obviously I couldn’t speak so I went to the hospital. This nurse was holding Lily in her arms and they were stomach pumping me and nothing’s coming out. And at that point, Lily just throws up all this pink Calpol all over the nurse. So that was a pretty horrible trick. Yeah, we were pretty young. It’s quite funny, quite sweet I think… in a way. - Alfie Allen

Awww, sibling love.